


Left of Center

by Ewritessometimes



Category: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VIII, Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Chef!Cloud, Dorks in Love, M/M, Notmindfucked!Cloud, Strifehart, Writer!Leon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-04-27 18:51:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14431914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ewritessometimes/pseuds/Ewritessometimes
Summary: Leon was a liar for a living. He told stories, he made things up. The easiest and most popular lie of his to tell was love. He never felt guilty because the word fiction in the upper right hand corner absolved him of all responsibility to the truth. Leon had been doing this for years and years. Then he met Cloud.





	1. the great procrastinator

**one...**

_ the great procrastinator _

 

It was Fall when he moved in. Leon remembered that it was Fall because the first thing he noticed when he opened his eyes that day was that there was no green on the trees outside of the window directly across from him. The leaves were all deep red and golden orange and Leon wondered when he stopped noticing time passing.

 

After he'd gotten up and made coffee a rare sentimental urge caused the brunette to go to the window with the cup to get a better look at the trees, perhaps to pull some inspiration from the natural world, and that was when he first saw him.

 

After he first saw him, Leon looked a lot.

 

He was unloading the back of a small  _ U-Haul _ truck, which was initially what drew Leon's attention to the scene unfolding in front of the building. He didn't know that anyone had moved out, let alone long enough ago for someone new to be moving in. For the second time in far shorter a period than he was comfortable with Leon wondered when he stopped paying attention to the things happening around him.

 

Then the blond turned around and Leon stopped thinking. Leon stopped thinking completely as he drank in all the details of the others face, was assaulted with them really. He was all handsome sharp planes framed by soft blond hair, with big eyes so blue they made everything else described by the word look like imitators.

 

He said something to someone hidden from Leon's view and Leon’s attention was drawn to the way full lips formed words. It seemed like language itself was some new artform he'd never experienced before.

 

'Jesus...' He thought to himself, embarrassed by his thoughts.

 

A brunette woman walked off of the sidewalk and grabbed the box from the blond. He smiled at her and Leon wasn't embarrassed any more. He could imagine waking up to that smile, kissing that smile. He didn't even register the woman he was so invigorated--more inspired than he'd been in weeks. He was just about to turn from the window when the blond looked up. Their eyes met and an actual shiver ran down his spine, the likes of which he'd described hundreds of times in his stories but never really felt.

 

The blond smiled, smiled at him, and he turned away from the window. He downed his coffee in one gulp and turned to his desk, placing the cup down with a little too much force as he sat with the intent to put this intense, erratic beating of his heart into words.

* * *

"This is absolutely fantastic Leon!" Aerith said, putting down her printed copy of the story he'd sent her two days ago. "I mean you're usually good but this is wonderful."

 

"Thank you." Leon said curtly, taking a sip of his coffee.

 

Once a month, just before the issue went out  _ She… _ , the woman's magazine Leon somehow found himself writing for, had a staff meeting to discuss content and finalize the layout. It was one of the handful of times he left the sanctity of his apartment lately, which he never really thought about until he'd actually stepped outside into the autumn light and realized that the wind felt new.

 

"I just don't get it." Yuffie said, leaning forward on the conference table, "How does a stuffy guy like you write  _ love _ stories of all things."

 

"Good love stories at that." Kairi said twirling her pen in between her fingers, "Are you a secret Casanova Le-on?" she singsonged.

 

Leon rolled his eyes, "Fiction is easy. Love is cliche enough a topic that writing it is even easier."

 

"But living it is hard?" Yuffie asked, "Have you ever even been in love?"

At this Leon reddened, shocking the table into silence. Leon could feel his face heating up and scowled at his bodies betrayal. "Shut up." he said quietly, avoiding everyone's gaze.

 

Yuffie screamed.

 

"What the hell?!"

 

"That's why this is so good! You're in LOVE!" Kairi exclaimed.

 

"I'm not in love... Jesus." Leon frowned, "Lower your voices."

 

"Is there someone though Leon? You're blushing." Aerith said, smiling in that way she did that made it impossible to not tell her the truth.

 

Leon sighed, "Not really. I just saw someone and I got inspired."

 

This time Kairi screamed.

 

"Jesus Christ seriously?"

 

"I'm sorry!" Kairi covered her mouth with her hand, "This is just so exciting! You do understand that in the two years you've been working here, writing love stories you've never so much as hinted at a date?"

 

"And I'm still not," Leon countered.

 

"Yes, but it's a possibility!" Yuffie said.

 

"No it's not, I don't even know his name."

 

Yuffie opened her mouth and Leon reached out to cover it, his palm muffling her scream. "Love is easy to write because it's fiction. Being inspired by visuals is not new, and it's not romantic just because this time it happens to be another person. Whatever you're thinking stop. This is not the next story in some series for teenage girls. It's just the creative process. Get over it."

 

Yuffie lowered her eyes and nodded. Leon cautiously removed his hand from her mouth, feeling just a tiny bit guilty for bringing the mood so low.

 

"Well, whatever it is seems to be a very good thing. For your writing if nothing else," Aerith said with a smile, effectively dispelling the gloom, "Now, back to the task at hand, have you finished the accompanying art for Leon's story Kairi?"

* * *

Leon was a liar for a living. Although, he guessed that was a pretty harsh way to put it. He was a writer. He made things up and presented them in a neat package with a pretty bow and that was how he made his money. He wasn't hurting anyone because the word fiction printed in the upper right hand corner of all his pieces took away all of his responsibility to the truth. People didn't read his stories for the truth (which, in his opinion, was that love was invented by people like him to sell things), they read it for a beautiful lie. Leon was very good at beautiful lies. It was his own personal art form.

 

He thought about this as he walked home from the meeting, drinking in the details of his surroundings to store for later like a bear preparing for hibernation. The mid-afternoon sunlight was the perfect compliment to the Autumn chill and the leaves had begun to fall along the path to his home, giving the street a picturesque natural glow. He was admiring this, writing the scene in his mind when he saw him sitting on the stoop. He was in a pair of dark wash jeans and a navy v-neck shirt, a cream cable knit sweater tossed over the ensemble almost as an afterthought. He was sitting on the very top step, his legs stretched out over the other two in the perfect picture of leisure. Leon's inner camera went *click* and stored the image for later.

 

Leon felt his heartbeat quicken in his chest when he realized he would have to pass him to get into the building. His eyes darted around briefly, before settling directly in front of him. If he kept facing straight ahead and walked with a deliberate air about him he could pass without incident.

 

He focused on the doorknob of the old wooden door as he opened the waist high gate leading to the three floor walkup. Out of the corner of his eye he could see the other adjust his legs to give him more room to pass. He could feel those eyes on him as he approached the stoop and in one split second of indulgent curiosity he let his gaze fall down and everything was ruined.

 

The blond was already looking at him and when their eyes met he smiled, a subtle yet brilliant maneuvering of lips, like he was both unused to forming them in that particular way and unaware of their actual power. Leon was stopped in his tracks, one foot on the first step, one on the second.

 

The other man stood up and the two of them looked at each other for a moment before he spoke, 

 

"Hi,"

 

His voice was soft and quiet, a little deeper than Leon had imagined.

 

"You live on the third floor right? I'm Cloud, I just moved into 2G."

 

"Leon," was all the brunet managed to choke out, although it came out clipped and cold. He cringed inwardly, and the spell was broken. He looked away and reached for the front door, the blond, ('Cloud' Leon thought) moved out of the way.

 

"Nice to meet you," Cloud said, turning so he was facing Leon, who was already halfway into the lobby.

 

Leon stopped at the mailboxes, unlocking his which was empty save for two thin white envelopes. He clutched them much too tightly as he pounded up the steps, hand slightly shaking as he unlocked his door and entered his apartment. Once inside he tossed his keys onto the hall table and leaned against the front door. He'd talked to the blond. Granted, quite briefly and all they had exchanged were names, but they had spoken. He'd smiled at him and he felt his heart thundering in his chest so loudly he could hear it. Leon narrowed his eyes as he looked down towards his chest, half expecting to see the movement through his shirt. 

 

' _ Quit acting like one of those awful characters you write _ ,' Leon scolded himself.

 

In an effort to distract himself he diverted his attention to his mail as he crossed the living room into the kitchen. The first envelope was his electric bill, which he tossed on the counter to deal with later. The second envelope made him inhale sharply, his blood running cold. He simply read the name 'Laguna Loire' in elegant script and his frown deepened. He was clutching the envelope so hard it wrinkled and after a deep breath he simply ripped it in two. But that didn't feel enough and so he ripped it in half again, and again, and again until it was nothing but a pile of half inch scraps of paper he let fall to his feet. One of the pieces fluttered down right onto his boot and he could make out the one word that was still in tact. 

 

Regret. 

 

Leon scoffed, turning sharply away and the piece fell face down amidst the others.

 

Once every few months his alleged "father", (and he used that term with air quotes even in his head), attempted to contact him, by letter of all things. The first time Leon skimmed the first few lines out of curiosity before ripping it up in disgust. After that he didn't even bother to open them.

 

His mood was dark as he sat at his desk and opened a word document, but he couldn't deny the rush of electricity pumping through his veins and gathering at his fingertips. He set his hands on the keys, almost as if in reverence as he waited for the rush of words to come through.

* * *

_ The first thought that Alexander Greyhardt had upon entering the crowded ballroom was that the second daughter of the Fawn family had eyes so clear and blue they seemed to be the definitive authority on the word. The sky, the ocean, his own eyes in comparison seemed to be nothing but poorly inspired imitators. This is what he said to his companion, who laughed, clapped him on his shoulder and offered to introduce them. _

 

The sun pulled itself across the sky as Leon wrote and wrote, nearly completing his next story for the magazine. The words seemed to pour out of him and he wouldn't stop until they did. He thought of watching Cloud unload the U-Haul, of the surge he felt when their eyes met that first time and he wrote of long glances across the ballroom, of eyes meeting around the forms of their respective partners as the two waltzed with everyone but each other. He wrote of Alexanders dejection as he mingled with guests only half aware, wondering how on earth he could ever hope to approach the beautiful, respected woman and he felt his own mood darken.

 

He recalled his meeting with Cloud on the stoop, the inexplicable hammering of his own heart.

 

_ "I haven't seen you around here before?' _

_ Alexander looked down and snapped up from his leisurely position leaning against the balcony when he realized he was looking into the clear and seemingly bottomless blue eyes of Elizabeth Fawn. _

_ "I have just arrived." _

_ "For the summer?" she asked, her voice soft and confident. _

_ He nodded, and moved to steal another glance at her eyes but soon found he could not look away. _

_ "I don't believe we will be seeing very much of each other then." she said, the disappointment in her eyes raised his confidence. _

_ "That would be an unbearable shame," he said, so quietly the sound of the summer night life almost drowned it out completely. _

_ Elizabeth smiled and he knew, now and forever he was hers. _

_ "Dance with me?" she asked. _

 

Leon felt nauseous. He leaned away from his computer, and stretched his arms above his head. The clock above him read 9:15 PM. He blinked hard, only mildly shocked to suddenly be aware that the room was dark except for the light of his computer screen and the faint glow of a nearby streetlamp filtering in through the open window.

 

The sick feeling went away as he put thoughts of his story out of his mind, focusing instead on the fact that he only had about a half an hour left to order dinner before all the nearby restaurants stopped delivering. He stood from his desk, his legs wobbily as they adjusted to movement once again. He grabbed the menu for his usual takeout place and picked up his phone, dialing the number nearly from memory. For the hundredth time that night his mind drifted to his new blond neighbor.

 

"Cloud." he said quietly, testing the feel of the name rolling off of his tongue.

 

He thought back to his story and he could feel the nausea returning.

 

Leon was a liar for a living. He told stories, he made things up. The easiest and most popular lie of his to tell was love. He never felt guilty because the word fiction in the upper right hand corner absolved him of all responsibility to the truth. Leon had been doing this for years and years.

 

He thought of the blonds smile and just how many times he had wrung it through his hands like a wet towel so he could write this story.

 

For the first time since his first assignment at _She…_ Leon felt like a phony.

* * *

Leon threw his pen across the desk. Someone had been out in the hallway talking loudly for the past five minutes and Leon had just about had it. He brought a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose in annoyance. He couldn't quite make out the words being said, but he could hear the sounds, practically feel the presence of whoever was in the hallway disturbing the peace. Leon stood up from his desk and crossed the brief space from it to the door, intent on giving whoever was making noise one of his oh so effective looks of death.

 

He opened the door with more force than was necessary, and stepped out into the hallway just in time to see the person responsible for his annoyance kick their door in frustration. All the tension left his body as he recognized the shock of blond hair and those definitive blue eyes turned towards him. Leon gripped the banister, looking down into the flushed face he had just been writing about. He realized then that he had it all wrong, that he would always have it wrong. There was no way he could properly pull the planes and curves of the others face into any of his stories.

 

"Sorry," Cloud said, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. "It's just...I forgot my keys and I can't get a hold of my roommate.

 

"It's fine," Leon said quietly, unable to take his eyes off of the other. He was too busy ignoring the sudden thudding of his heart to think about the implications of their prolonged gaze. Cloud was the first to break their gaze, looking to the side as his cheeks darkened.

 

"I didn't mean to make so much noise, it won't happen again."

 

Leon nodded, torn between not wanting his interaction with Cloud to be over, and the need to do work. The building was old and held onto the cold for so long it was often twice as cold in the hallways as it actually was outside. He could see that the other man was shivering slightly.

 

"Do you...want to wait inside?" he found himself saying before he even decided to.

 

Cloud looked as shocked as Leon felt, "uhm...I wouldn't want to be a bother…"

 

"It's no problem. Come," Leon said, turning to go back into his apartment.

 

There was a moments hesitation before he heard Cloud ascending the stairs. The sight of the blond in his doorway sent a thrill throughout his entire body. Cloud closed the door behind him, exhaling heavily as he took in the warmth of the apartment.

 

"Thank you," he said with that smile that made Leon feel like a hundred chocobos were sitting on his chest. "It's colder in the hallway than it actually is outside!"

 

Leon nodded, and gave his apartment the once over now that it was actually too late to do anything about it. He never had company, and the last thing he'd ever expected was to have Cloud in his apartment, now or ever. It was empty enough that it was impossible to be too messy. He still hadn't gone around to actually building any of the book cases he bought, so his extensive book collection was still sorted into precariously high piles on his living room floor. He cringed as he saw Cloud looking at them, but then Cloud looked at him and smiled with his whole face and he had to look away.

 

"Would you like something to drink?" Leon asked, walking into the small area sectioned off for a kitchen. He opened up his cabinet which was completely empty save two packages of instant noodles, an empty tea box and a jar of instant coffee.

 

Cloud shook his head, "No, thank you."

 

Leon turned away from the cabinets, leaning on the counter to watch Cloud look around his apartment. Standing in the Autumn light like that he really was almost unbelievably handsome. He had high cheekbones and a perfectly V-shaped jawline that mirrored the delicate arch of his golden brows and the fullness of his lips. Leon thought that Cloud had the type of lips you couldn't look at and not think of kissing. He imagined crossing the distance, grabbing that perfect chin, and kissing the blond senseless.

 

Leon did not know what to do, so he shut his eyes.

 

Love was the greatest fiction story ever told. It was easy because it was fake and looking at Cloud made it easier but for different reasons.. Knowing that there was someone in the world who made his heartbeat speed up was both exciting and terrifying. Leon did not know what to think.

 

"Leon,"

 

Leon had never thought much of his name but he couldn't help but think it sounded like something special when Cloud said it. Then he cringed at the thought. He knew this scene. He wrote this scene.

 

He cleared his throat, "Yes?"

 

Cloud smiled and shook his head, "Just trying it out."

 

Leon was torn between the desire to cross the living room and gather Cloud in his arms and the urge to put his head in his oven.

 

"Thanks for letting me wait here Leon, I appreciate it." Cloud said quietly. When he looked at Leon it felt sort of like he was searching for something, but also like he already knew everything there was to know and he was waiting for you to catch up.

 

"It's nothing." Leon said almost like a reflex.

 

"Really?" Cloud responded, "Because...well...you never really seemed very friendly."

 

Leon blinked at him.

 

"Wait that sounded really rude. I don't mean to be rude! I mean, I don't know you at all or anything but you don't seem very interested in getting to know me….or...anyone...else. Oh gosh. Please don't kick me out." Cloud looked like the house was on fire.

 

It started a low rumble in his throat and climbed its way up until Leon was laughing. Cloud looked surprised, then alarmed, and then he was laughing too. Leon leaned on the arm of the couch for support and he looked at Cloud through still laughing eyes and he felt a warmth he hadn't felt...ever.

 

Cloud stopped laughing and mirrored his look and the feeling grew until it was radiating throughout his entire body. Leon realized looking at Cloud looking at him that he was writing this all wrong too. That he had been writing this moment his entire career and he didn't have a clue what he was talking about.

 

"I'm...not good with people," Leon said finally, folding his arms over his chest.

 

"Me neither," Cloud said, "I'm a lot better than I used to be though. Practice helps,"

 

Leon's lips twitched like he wanted to smile, "I'll keep that in mind."

 

Cloud put his hands in his pockets, and leaned forward, "If you're interested in practicing...I wouldn't mind helping."

 

"Like a social guinea pig?" Leon said.

 

Cloud grinned at him, opening his mouth like he was going to respond, but his phone began to ring. He pulled it out of his pocket and looked at the screen, "Ah, it's my roommate! Excuse me."

 

He turned away from Leon then and Leon walked back into the kitchen, more so that he wouldn't have to awkwardly hover over Clouds conversation than for any immediate need. He filled a cup with tap water and focused on the way it slid down his throat. Standing at the sink he was far enough to be able to tune out whatever it was Cloud was saying to the person on the other end of the phone.

 

' _ What is it about you? _ ' he thought as he watched the others lips move and thought about kissing him. It wasn't just that he was attractive. Leon could tune out attractive. It was something else. It made him want to write something true.

 

Leon was confused. Actually confused was the exact wrong word to describe what Leon was, but it was the closest. And he found he didn't really mind being confused if it meant more of Cloud.

 

But there was a voice in the back of Leon's head, one that had been there for as long as he remembered.  _ No one ever stays _ it said, over and over.

 

Cloud finished his conversation and put his phone into his pocket as he walked towards the kitchen. "She said I can go pick up her keys whenever."

 

Leon tried not to be disappointed. He watched Cloud watch him.

 

"That's lucky," Leon finally said.

 

Cloud got that look in his more blue than blue eyes that made him look much older than he was. Like he was one hundred miles ahead and waiting for you to catch up.

 

Leon realized he didn't know a single thing about Cloud, but he really, really wanted to. It was his own thought but it surprised him. He felt like a creepy obsessed pervert but Cloud was smiling at him.

 

"Are you...do you need to go right now?" Leon asked. It seemed he was full of surprises today. He willed the blood to not rush straight to his face.

 

Cloud shook his head, "I have lots and lots of time. Do you want to practice?"

 

Leon wanted to smile. He bit his tongue instead.

 

"Are you hungry Leon?" Cloud said his name like it was special. Like he wanted to say it.

 

If Leon thought about it, he was hungry. Ravenous actually. He hadn't stopped to eat a thing all day.

 

Even if he wasn't hungry though, he knew he would have said yes if it meant more Cloud.

* * *

Leon tried his hardest not to have the running narrative of one of his characters in his head while he walked side by side with Cloud. Neither one said much. Leon could not trust his hands and so he walked with them curled into fists in his pockets. Cloud walked in a very slight, almost unnoticeable sort of zig zag. The only reason he noticed was because every now and then Clouds bicep would brush against his elbow and send fireworks throughout his entire body.

 

When they arrived at the diner, Cloud entered first raising two fingers to the hostess who grabbed menus and turned towards the dining area. Leon followed the two of them into a corner booth right by a window, just big enough for two people. The hostess smiled and laid the menus down on the table before turning away. There was more silence as they removed their jackets and studied the menu. The waitress brought coffee and took their orders and then they were alone again. Cloud leaned his elbow on the ledge of the window and dropped his chin into his hand, and watched Leon.

 

Leon glanced at him, then looked away. He drank some coffee and looked out the window. Then he turned his gaze back to Cloud and couldn't look away, found he didn't want to.

 

"So…" Cloud said, taking a sip of his own coffee. "What do you do for a living Leon?"

 

"I'm a writer," Leon said, although it felt sort of like a lie so he added, "Sort of."

 

"Sort of a writer?" Cloud asked, twirling the edge of the table cloth in his fingers.

 

"I mean...I write things. I get paid for writing those things. But I wouldn't consider them mine."

 

Cloud looked confused, "I don't understand."

 

"It doesn't come from me. Basically I write what I know people want to read...even though I generally think it's stupid." ' _ Basically nothing I'd want to show you. _ ' Leon thought, although he'd never in a million years say that out loud.

 

"Okay...I sort of get that. I think," Cloud laughed, "Anything I'd recognize?"

 

"I hope not," Leon said before he could think to stop himself.

 

Cloud laughed again.

 

Leon was not funny. Leon had never been funny but he wanted to make Cloud laugh again and again and again.

 

"Try me," the blond said.

 

Leon didn't particularly want to tell Cloud that he wrote stupid love stories for a magazine geared towards teenaged girls but he found himself already unable to deny the other anything he asked for. "Do you know the magazine  _ She… _ ?"

 

Recognition flashed across Clouds face and Leon's heart sank into his stomach. Did he read it? What were the chances that he actually read that magazine? Would he recognize himself in every story published in the last two months?

 

"Ah, that's a bi-weekly Women's magazine right? I've never touched it but my roommate subscribes."

 

Leon was relieved, but only a little bit, "Well...I work there. I write their fiction stories."

 

"Really?!" Cloud exclaimed, and he started to laugh, "Sorry, oh god sorry I'm not laughing at you. It's just so unexpected."

 

Leon felt his face heating up in embarrassment.

 

"They're wonderful stories, my roommate has read some to me. They're really lovely, I actually really enjoy them. I just...I pictured they were written by someone more...You don't really seem like the type to write such romantic stories."

 

"I'm not." Leon said, "Like I said, I write what people want to read. It's all fake."

 

Cloud folded his hands in front of him, "So...you write beautiful romance...but you don't like romance?"

 

Something Leon couldn't quite name passed over Cloud's face.

 

Leon shrugged, "I just don't buy into it. Romance, love, those are things people like me, and the owners of  _ She…, _ and Hallmark, and candy companies everywhere created so you’d buy more stuff." Leon had felt that way his entire life, but sitting across from Cloud and saying it now made him feel sort of silly.

 

Cloud made a thoughtful sound and leaned back, looking at Leon like he knew more about Leon than Leon did. "Are you seeing someone Leon?" he asked.

 

Leon shook his head, drinking his coffee just so he had something to do with his face.

 

"Have you ever been in love?"

 

"I don't think so," Leon said.

 

There were several heartbeats of thoughtful silence. Leon counted them against his own. He felt nervous, like he was hiding something and he knew the person he was trying to fool was on to him.

 

"Fascinating. How can you write things like  _ Alexander and Elizabeth _ and not be in love, not ever have been in love?"

 

"It's easy. There's a formula. Guy sees girl, or maybe girl sees guy, or any combination of the two across the room or the street or the platform. They are put in a position where they talk. Insert flowery language about heartbeats and beauty and blah blah blah. Happily ever after. Love works in fiction because you build up to it and then you can fold it up nice and neatly into a conclusion. That's why love only works in fiction. In real life we're constantly changing, what are the odds that you'll find someone that will change at the same pace? Whose changing forms you'll like in every new iteration of yourself?"

 

Leon realized he was dangerously close to ranting and stopped talking, thankful for the waitress who chose that time to arrive with her food.

Cloud wasn't done with the conversation though, "Yea, of course the odds aren't exactly in your favor. But that's what makes it so amazing isn't it? That's what makes it special."

 

Leon shrugged, "If you say so."

 

Cloud looked distressed, "So you're telling me you've never felt that? You've never looked at someone and wanted to know everything about them? You've never wanted to just be near someone and to touch them all the time and felt...I don't know. Felt real next to them? Warm, and crazy, and alive, and whole?"

 

Leon thought of standing at his window and locking eyes with Cloud for the first time. He thought of seeing him on the stoop, seeing him standing in his living room. Walking next to him down the sidewalk and feeling an electric current throughout his entire body every time the other accidentally brushed against him. He thought of balling his hands into fists in his pockets because he couldn't trust himself to not touch the other, just to make sure he was real. Leon raised a forkful of his eggs to his mouth and shook his head no.

 

That was the first time he lied to Cloud and he felt it in his stomach. He absolutely hated it. The look passed across Clouds face again but was gone before he could pin it down and study it.

 

"Okay. So maybe it's not real. Maybe it's not possible. Isn't it worth it though, to try?"

 

"No," Leon answered, a little too fast.

 

Cloud's face fell and the awful feeling morphed from guilt and shame to something else, morphed into fear and confusion. He had to fight the urge to get up and walk out of the diner, out of downtown, past his apartment. He had to fight the urge to get up and walk out and walk until he was himself again. But he was sitting across from Cloud and he didn't want to let go of that just yet, so he settled for changing the subject.

 

"What do _ you _ do?" he asked.

 

There was that look again, but then, "I'm a chef. Well...not yet. I'm studying to be a chef. I work as a cook over at a bar, the Seventh Heaven. Do you know it?"

 

Leon did. "So...food is your thing?"

 

Cloud smiled at him, "Food is my thing."

 

"What's the verdict on all of this?" Leon said, motioning across the table with his fork.

 

Cloud made a show of looking around the restaurant before leaning in conspiratorially, "Terrible."

 

Leon laughed, "Terrible? This is the best food I've had in a long time."

 

Cloud looked appalled, "That's a tragedy. I'll have to make you something."

 

Leon dropped his gaze back onto his plate. Was Cloud flirting with him? It may have been awhile since he'd dated anyone, and he may not have had a lot of experience, but there was something about how the blond sat, all attention directly on him and the permanent mischievous tone that made him recognize something. His stomach flipped and he reached for his coffee to hide his smile, knowing that he probably shouldn't flirt back, but wanting to, "Perhaps. I'll warn you though, I can be a tough critic."

 

Cloud looked at the scrambled egg breakfast dish Leon had just raved about and then looked up at Leon in disbelief, "I doubt that."

 

When Cloud talked about food his entire face lit up. Leon tried to listen, but he didn't really know anything about food aside from the fact that he needed it to live. He survived on instant noodles and takeout and so he mostly just watched Clouds lips move and fought the urge to kiss him.

 

Leon felt sort of like this was a date, their first date. 

 

Then he stomped the thought out like it was on fire.

  
  
  


They parted on Traverse and Twilight. Leon watched Cloud go, walking swiftly away in a perfectly straight line, no subtle zigzag at all, and he felt the fear rising in his stomach again. Then, when he was almost a block away Cloud looked back. He saw him still standing there and he waved.

 

Leon's eyes widened.  _ I like you _ He thought as if it was the most alarming realization of his life.  _ I like you more than I've ever liked anything ever. _ He liked Cloud in the way that he wrote about. In the way he didn't think was possible, or real. In a way that was risky and dangerous and altogether unacceptable.

 

Leon spun on his heel and walked deliberately back home. When he got to his apartment he locked the door behind him and didn't leave for three days.

 


	2. pretty boys make graves

**two...**

_ pretty boys make graves _

 

Aside from the occasional passing of each other on the staircase, in which Cloud would smile and Leon would nod, perhaps occasionally exchanging mundane pleasantries that Leon would mull over for however long it took until their next encounter, Leon did not get another chance to have a real conversation with the blond for almost two weeks.

 

It was on an unassuming Tuesday afternoon when Leon pulled himself from his work intent on taking a walk to refresh his thoughts that he saw Cloud. He was carrying way more paper bags than he should have been up the three stairs leading to the buildings vestibule, miraculously managing to not trip. Leon fought a smile as he pulled open the door and stepped to the side.

 

Not realizing that someone had opened the door, Cloud cursed as he realized his lack of hands and subsequent door opening dilemma. He turned, intent on using his hips when he found himself looking at the rounded toes of a pair of black boots. He followed them up the slim yet muscular legs encased in black denim, past the leather jacket covered torso and into the brunet's amused blue grey eyes.

 

Cloud blinked back his surprise, before resting his chin on the top of the bags and smiling up at Leon, "Hello Leon,"

 

"Cloud," the brunet offered, stepping to the side so that the blond could pass. "Do you need some help with those?" he asked, already reaching for a bag.

 

"Oh no that's okay. You're on your way out, I wouldn't want to hold you up."

 

Leon shook his head, grabbing the bag closest to falling over and held out an arm for more, "I'm just going on a walk. I could postpone it for the five minutes it will take to make sure you don't kill yourself on these stairs."

 

Cloud laughed, "Well if you insist! I quite like living thank you," he said handing two bags to Leon. He still had two bags too many but he'd already started up the stairs before Leon could make a grab for it. “Are you talking from experience Leon?” he called over his shoulder.

 

Leon shook his head and followed Cloud up the stairs.

 

Using something Leon could only describe as magical powers, Cloud somehow managed to balance all the bags between his knee and the door while he unlocked it before gathering them all again and kicking the door open softly, holding it open with the heel of his boot for Leon to follow in after him.

 

The inside makeup of Cloud's apartment was identical to Leon's, save for the fact that the large living room had been made smaller, the extra space converted into another bedroom, its door currently closed. It was also much colder than his apartment, yet somehow managed to look twice as lived in.

 

Leon followed Cloud to the Kitchen island, placed his bags beside the others, and turned to survey the room. There was a wine coloured velvet couch, pictures on the walls--some friends but mostly art, and an actual rug in the center of the living room. Knickknacks surrounded quirky light fixtures on end tables flanking a large television. There were bar stools at the island and a tapestry hanging on the wall across the kitchen. A stack of magazines lay beneath a stack of bills on the counter to the left of the bags and Leon wondered, cringing, if ' _ She… _ ' was among them.

 

By the time he'd finished drinking in all the details of his surroundings Cloud had already put away his groceries.

 

"It's kind of strange...but homey. Tifa did all the decorating. My room looks like an army barrack or something," Cloud said, noticing Leon's wandering eyes.

 

"It's nice." Leon responded quietly, "Very cold though."

 

Cloud laughed, motioning to the divided living room, "Yea...you don't realize how important windows are in a room until you don't have any." He crossed the living room, to the closed door and opened it, "I try and leave my door open because whoever constructed the room left the heater that used to heat up this whole space. So my room is always way too hot, and the living room way too cold."

 

Leon allowed himself a glimpse of a navy blue bedspread through the doorway before he felt as if he was peeping and looked away, focusing on the giant chocobo tapestry behind him instead. Leon realized that this was the first time he had been in an apartment other than his in the building.

 

"Thanks for your help Leon," Cloud said, appearing at his side again.

 

Leon could see the very faint scattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose and he cleared his throat, stepping back to put some distance between them, "Sure, no problem."

 

"Would you like something to drink? I just came from the supermarket so we're well stocked for the first time in forever."

 

Leon fought the urge to kiss Cloud. He imagined pushing Cloud gently over the arm of the couch so that they were both lying on the strange, yet comfortable looking couch, Leon trailing kisses down the sharp curve of the others pale throat as they set about creating some heat in the much too cold apartment. He imagined what the blonds face would look like, head thrown back in pleasure and bucking up into his touch.

 

Leon cleared his throat, "No thank you. I'll just...be on my way."

 

Cloud nodded, walking Leon to the door. There was an awkward pause as Leon passed through the doorway, the two of them locking eyes not quite sure how to proceed. Leon felt marginally guilty for thinking of the blond in such a position.

 

"Say," Cloud said, shoving his hands into his pockets shyly, "Uhm...do you think you'd like some company on that walk?"

 

Leon blinked at him.

 

"It's okay if you don't. If you needed to clear your head or get inspiration or something uhm, just, you know, gotta give the apartment time to heat up and figured that would be time better spent that sitting on the couch watching television you know?"

 

Leon looked at Cloud, who sort of looked like he regretted opening his mouth. He bit back a smile, "Sure."

  
  


He stepped aside as Cloud locked the door, motioning for the blond to walk ahead. Leon was careful to leave ample space between the two of them as they descended the stairs and left the building. He turned left once out on the street, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

 

"So...do you take walks often?" Cloud asked after the silence stretched into uncomfortable.

 

Leon shrugged, "Not really. Just sometimes...when I feel like I've been in my apartment for too long usually."

 

Cloud laughed, "Does that happen easily for you? If I'm not going to school or work I find I don't leave my apartment much and don’t even notice."

 

Leon nodded, unsure of how to respond.

 

"Although...I'm trying to explore more...being new to the city and all,"the blond continued.

 

After a few more moments of walking in semi-comfortable silence Leon decided to indulge himself, "Why did you move to Radiant Garden?" he asked.

 

Cloud sighed, fiddling with his keys. "I needed a change of scenery. Things weren't going so well where I was living before...so when Tifa said she was moving I decided to tag along."

 

"Tifa is your roommate?"

 

Cloud nodded.

 

Leon felt his palms dampen with nervous sweat. He looked sideways at Cloud, who turned to catch his gaze. Leon turned his gaze back forward, his heartbeat skipping in his chest, "Girlfriend?" he asked finally, his eyes darting back to Clouds face.

 

The blond looked horrified, "No. Oh gods, no way."

 

Leon was taken aback by the intensity of Clouds reaction.

 

Cloud seemed shocked as well, and he stopped walking, laughing nervously, "And don't you ever tell her I was that horrified at the suggestion or she will kill me."

 

Leon couldn't help but laugh. "Your secret is safe with me," he said quietly.

 

"Appreciated," Cloud said, continuing to walk beside the brunette.

 

Leon felt sort of like he wasn't even walking anymore, but simply floating above the concrete. ' _ ugh'  _ he thought, half disgusted with himself.

 

"I'm not really interested in girlfriends."

 

Leon dropped back to earth, his heart rising to beat inside of his throat. He could feel his face redden as he looked sideways at the blond who was looking straight ahead.

 

When Cloud turned to meet his gaze, he somehow managed to look cautious, yet confident. "And you Leon? Are you interested in girlfriends?"

 

Leon looked away from the blond, clearing his throat. Cloud let out a small half breath, turning his gaze back forward.

 

"I'm not interested in anything," he said quietly.

 

"That can  _ not _ be true." Cloud said, punching Leon lightly on the arm, "I read your last story Leonhart. There's no way you can write that convincingly without believing at least a little bit."

 

Leon tried to ignore the electricity running through his body, "Maybe I'm just a good writer."

 

"Maybe," Cloud laughed.

 

"Did you really read that thing?" Leon asked after a moment of silence.

 

Cloud looked at him out the corner of his eye, "And I liked it too."

 

Leon rolled his eyes, "Are you a  _ romantic _ ?" he said romantic like it was several levels below telemarketer.

 

"Absolutely," Cloud said, "Actually. I never thought about it before talking to you. But going through our conversations I must be. I've ruined my life for love after all. Or rather, what I thought was love."

 

That shocked Leon, and he couldn't help but turn to look at Cloud. The blond kept his gaze trained straight ahead.

 

"I'd do it again too. Except...you know, hopefully this time for the real thing." Cloud said, the faint suggestion of a soft smile threatening his lips, "So I must be a romantic, or an idiot...which I guess by your standards are one and the same."

 

"You've ruined your life?"

 

"Maybe I'll tell you about it someday," Cloud said, and he turned to face Leon then, their eyes meeting as if it was the most natural thing in the whole entire world, "But you can't write about it."

 

"Maybe you shouldn't tell me then," Leon said.

 

Cloud looked at Leon looking at Cloud and nothing either of them said was particularly funny but there were good feelings in the air and so when Cloud laughed, Leon did too.

* * *

Leon dreamt that he was seven years old. He was seven years old and it was raining and and he was crying. He didn't even care that he was making noise and that people could see him, that people were whispering about him from the warmth of the orphanage. His world had just ended.

 

He was sitting on the steps of the orphanage crying like he was trying to turn himself inside out.

 

There was a car and it was pulling away. A beautiful woman was sitting in the back of the car waving at him.

 

"Sis!" He screamed, "Sis wait!"

 

He left the shelter of the porch and he ran as fast as his tiny legs could. He ran until the truck was just a dot faraway and he slipped in the mud onto his stomach. Until his face was covered with mud and his tears tasted like dirt.

 

He rose up to his knees and he sobbed, "Take me with you! Don't leave me here!"

 

Then he was himself. He was an adult kneeling in the mud and sobbing and he felt ridiculous but he couldn't stop.

 

He felt like the only person in the entire world.

 

When he looked up Cloud was in front of him, hazy like a glitchy hologram and his face was blank. All the softness gone so he was just there, beautiful and cold. "Come on Leon," he said, turning to walk along the path.

 

Leon tried to get up but he couldn't. He was trapped in the mud and Cloud was getting smaller and smaller in the distance.

 

"Wait!" Leon exclaimed, his voice cracking. "I’m coming, wait!"

 

But Cloud was gone. His sister was gone.

 

_ ‘Everybody leaves.’ _

* * *

When Leon woke up, his face was wet with tears. He sat up, and ran a hand through his tangled hair. He threw the covers off of him and crossed his apartment to the bathroom. Even though he had slept the entire night he felt tired, his eyes and his nose were red. He violently turned on the faucet, put his head in the sink and washed his face with enough force to be classified as assault. He looked at his reflection in the mirror and made a noise of disgust.

 

That week, in his story the protagonist did not get the girl. He hit the protagonist with a bus on his way to confess and skipped the weekly meeting.

 

It was just about to be 2am and Leon was currently sitting with his elbows on his desk, hands folded below his chin as he stared at an empty word document. Aerith's only response to his story and subsequent meeting ditching was a three word email.

 

_ Not your best. _

 

There was a knock at his door.

 

It actually couldn't really be classified as a knock. It was quiet and timid like whoever was knocking was scared of actually getting his attention. The only reason he heard it was because of the absolute silence in his apartment.

 

Leon pinched the bridge of his nose when he heard the knocking (which was actually more like tapping). Curiosity pulled him out of his chair and towards the door. He looked through the peephole and could see the back of Cloud's head as he leaned over the railing of the stairs.

 

"It's 2 am!" he whisper yelled at the person on the second floor landing just as Leon opened the door, "He's probably already asleep! I'm going to wake him up and-"

 

Cloud turned, his eyes wide as he caught sight of Leon in the doorway, trailing off from his sentence completely.

Leon saw a head of dark hair disappear into an apartment on the second floor as Cloud made a noise like a balloon losing all of its air.

 

Leon had been in a horrible mood until that very moment.

 

Clouds eyes really were too blue for the word and Leon found himself fighting a smile.

 

"Hi," he said lamely, realizing that something more than staring was probably expected.

 

Clouds face reddened, "H-hi. Sorry to bother you so late but I just got off of work and I made too many and I remembered we talked about food and...uhm...do you...it's just buffalo wings but they're my recipe and...uh...take them! Please." he tacked on at the very end.

 

"You came here at 2 AM to give me buffalo wings?"

 

"Sorry! The bar closes late…"

 

"I wasn't complaining. I was awake." Leon said, caught between the urge to kiss the blonde and the urge to slam the door, lock it, and never open it again. Instead he settled on taking the container. "Thank you."

 

Cloud smiled with his whole, entire face. Leon clenched his teeth to keep from smiling back.

 

"I hope you like them." Cloud said after a moment to break the silence.

 

"I'm sure I will."

 

"True, your standards aren't very high," Cloud teased. Leon laughed.

 

"You know, I'm not usually funny, but I always feel a sense of accomplishment when I make you laugh," Cloud said, sticking his hands in his pockets.

 

Leon knew the feeling, but he kept that to himself. He drank in the sight of Cloud at night. Cloud in the artificial hall light after a night of working. His eyes practically glowed in the fluorescence and there were very slight bags under his eyes, his lips were slightly chapped, which just made it harder not to kiss them.

 

_ Everyone leaves. _ Leon thought.

 

"Leon…"

 

Cloud looked at him seriously, "Could we maybe go out to eat together again sometime?"

 

Leons heart leapt in his chest in excitement, but at the same time his stomach twisted in dread.

 

There was a moment of silence as the two men stared at each other. Nervousness and hope were written plain on Clouds face and for a moment Leon wanted to give Cloud everything he wanted. He was almost sure he would say yes. It scared him how hard he fell, and how fast. So instead he said, "I'm...really busy. Sorry."

 

Clouds face fell, "Oh. Yea I'm...I figured." he laughed and it was the first laugh of his that didn't make Leon feel good. "Well...uh, see you around Leon."

 

"Bye."

* * *

It was easier to not get involved. It was safe. Leon liked staying home. He liked writing at home and only having to go into the office once a week. He liked eating at home, and sleeping at home, and watching the world without participating.

Leon liked fiction because it was easy. It was easy because it was fake. People liked fiction because it imitated life but it wasn't real. Real life was hard. Real life was sad. Real life was unpredictable.

Leon wrote love stories for a girls magazine because he was completely in control. He wrote what people wanted to read and that audience always wanted a happy ending. In his fiction couples always lived happily ever after. No one was ever abandoned, or left behind, or thrown away. Love never faded, people always came back.

 

_ "I love you." Lily said, her eyes filled with frustrated tears she wouldn't let fall, "I think maybe I always loved you but I didn't let myself realize that...because if I loved you that meant that you had power over me and I never wanted to go back to that again. But I'm not afraid anymore." _

_ The End. _

 

Leon hit the period key with much more force than was necessary. He couldn't even re-read the story before sending it off to Aerith for editing.

 

He sighed, leaning back against his chair. He felt like the biggest phony in the entire world.

* * *

Leon stood in front of apartment 2G, clutching the empty container in his hands. He hadn't thought through what he would say.

 

_ The only thing better than your face when you talk about food, is your actual food? _ He thought,  _ No...how about that was the best thing I've ever eaten in my entire life…. _

 

No...maybe, 

 

_ Will you cook for me forever? _

 

Leon scowled, definitely not. He would just say thanks, or maybe, better, he’d just leave the empty container in front of the door.

 

Before he could make his move however, the door opened and he found himself face to face with Cloud's shocked, pretty, brunette roommate ( _ not girlfriend, _ he thought subconsciously). Her eyes were impossibly wide in a way that mirrored the perfect 'O' of her mouth and Leon would have laughed if his heart wasn't beating so fast he wondered if he was in the midst of a heart attack.

 

"Uhm…" she said, blinking deliberately at him, "Hi…?"

 

His grip on the container felt loose, his palms were sweating. "I'm...just returning the container."

 

"Uh huh," she said, looking him up and down. "Sure, did you like it?"

 

Leon nodded. There was something intimidating about her, which made him feel sort of pathetic. She had the same sort of aura as Cloud. The kind of presence that seemed to know everything about everything and was waiting for you to catch up. "Clouds a fantastic cook."

 

She nodded, "He's wonderful." Then, with alarming speed and precision her expression changed from shock and confusion, to dangerous contempt, "He’s not usually so friendly you know.." She looked at him long and hard as if she was trying to make sure that her words reached him.

 

A voice came from inside of the apartment, "You're still here Tif? You're gonna be late."

 

She turned to look back into the apartment where Leon could see blond spikes appearing from beyond the wall (and there was that heart attack again). 

 

"I was just leaving," she said, "I found something of yours out here."

 

"Huh?" he responded, confused.

 

"Nice to finally meet you Leon," Tifa said with a sweet, genuine smile before gently pushing past him and then it was him and Cloud alone.

 

Clouds look mirrored Tifa's when she saw him and he  _ really _ would have laughed this time if his heart wasn't trying to escape through his throat now. 

 

Cloud looked fresh out the shower, his normally gravity defying hair seemed to be drooping a bit and his shirt stuck to him in places that made Leon want to both look away and stare harder.

 

"Hi," Leon said, it being the only thing he trusted himself to say without his heart actually escaping his throat and falling at the blondes feet.

 

Cloud looked like he was trying not to smile, "Hi," he responded, leaning against the doorway and folding his arms across his chest.

 

"I'm...I was just heading out and I figured I'd better return this," Leon said, holding up the tupperware.

 

"Thank you," he said quietly, taking the container from the slightly taller brunette. "Did you like it?"

 

The same look of nervousness and hope from the night where he first handed off the plastic container passed over his face again. This time, Leon was determined not to fail him.

 

"It was the best thing I've ever eaten," he answered honestly. 

 

A warm joy seemed to wash over Cloud so strongly that the excess spilled over on to Leon.

 

"That's quite the compliment." Cloud said.

 

"I didn't know something so simple could be so good."

 

"You're missing out then."

 

Leon nodded, "It seems that way."

 

A slightly awkward, but not unpleasant, silence washed over the two men again and they stood in the hall for a moment, both seeming as if they were any moment going to say something.

 

"Okay...well...that was it." Leon said after a moment. "I'm going to go now,"

 

Cloud nodded, "Yea, okay. Thank you for returning this. If I ever make too many again I'll bring you more. If that's okay."

 

"Yea, sure." Leon said, "That would be great."

 

Cloud smiled, "Bye Leon,"

 

Leon waved and turned away before turning back, "You know, Cloud…"

 

Cloud paused his shutting of the door and brought his attention back to Leon, who had tensed up in the hallway. He seemed to be torn between going into Clouds doorway and running down the stairs.

 

"I'm...actually not all that busy. Well not as busy as I thought,"

 

Cloud leaned against the doorframe, "Really?" he said, his face neutral but Leon could hear the smile in his voice.

 

"Yes. So...I wouldn't mind eating with you again, when you're free."

 

Cloud did smile then, "I'd like that."

 

Leon nodded, unable to look away or leave. "How about Friday night? 7pm, at the same place as last time?"

 

"Sure. I'll look forward to it."

 

The two of them stood there, staring at each other for a moment before Cloud broke the silence, lifting his arm to hold a hand out to Leon. "Give me your phone."

 

"What? Why?" Leon asked as he did just that.

 

Cloud didn't answer him, just took the phone and pressed some numbers. There was a ringing sound from somewhere in the apartment and Cloud pulled the phone away from his ear, ending the call and holding it out to Leon so he could see the screen.

 

"There," he said, "Now you have my phone number, and I have yours."

* * *

Leon found it very hard not to smile as he walked to the  _ She… _ headquarters. It would soon be too cold to walk anywhere but his entire body felt like it was on fire and he needed the chill to cool off, lest he arrive and the meeting turn from the discussion of the next issues to the discussion of his potential love life.

 

_ 'Ugh. What are you even doing? _ ' he thought to himself, shoving his hands into his pockets to protect them from the cold.

 

He'd promised himself a long time ago that he would never date again. That he would do his best to not get involved with other people and just live a quiet, solitary life of peace. He'd been doing well. But he guessed, deep down inside, he knew as soon as he locked eyes with Cloud outside the U-Haul truck that things were already different.

 

His mind flicked back to the memory of Cloud leaning against the door, still damp from his shower smiling flirtatiously even while being cautious. He could imagine Cloud coming out of  _ his _ shower, standing in  _ his _ doorway, cooking in  _ his _ kitchen and kissing  _ his _ lips.

 

It was absurd how badly he wanted to kiss Cloud.

 

He thought about it more times a day than anything else. The thought of kissing Cloud invigorated him. He looked forward to writing. He wanted to write love stories because he wanted to pin the feeling down and examine it, not because it was easy. Not because he was lying.

 

But still, he couldn't ignore the heavy feeling in his stomach or the little voice in the back of his mind reminding him of the thing that made him lose interest in all types of relationships all together. He had fully intended on just returning the dish and being completely done with the blond altogether. But somewhere between his floor and Cloud's he'd had a moment of weakness...or maybe it was strength?

 

Either way he knew exactly what he wanted by the time he reached Cloud's door, and Leon always tried his best when it came to getting the things that he wanted. Even if this crashed and burned, he knew that it would be worth it.

 

Before that thought had completely materialized in his head Leon felt the doubt settle in. Would it actually be worth it? Cloud would burrow in deep past his defenses like everyone else and then he would leave and there would be a hole twice as big. That was how it always happened. With his parents, his sister, every partner he'd ever had and it never ever felt worth it. It made him feel stupid, and taken advantage of, and...lonely. Worse than lonely, it made him feel like he wasn't even real, like a ghost.

 

He didn't know much about Cloud at all. All he knew was that he wanted to be a chef and that he made Leon feel things he'd forgotten were possible to feel. Things he'd been writing all wrong for years.

 

He made him feel like being honest.

 

But getting involved was risky; how could he know that this wouldn't crash and burn like every single other relationship in his life?

 

_ You can't. _ He thought.

 

Leon wasn't consciously aware of it at the time, but looking back, he knew it was probably then that his decision had been made.

* * *

 

Every night leading up until Friday he had the same sort of dream as before.

 

Sometimes it was exactly the same, Ellone would leave, and while chasing her he'd come across Cloud who'd leave as well. Always with a smile, always with the suggestion that he come along even though they knew it was impossible.

 

Other times his parents would be there too.

 

On Wednesday night they all left together, laughing.

 

If it were just dreams it wouldn't have been a problem, but each dream left behind that intense feeling of loneliness. Shame, and embarrassment covered him like a blanket and even though he woke up every night feeling as if his heart was being squeezed by thousands of unforgiving hands he knew it was only a shadow of the pain that actually accompanied being left behind. Each time the feelings lingered and layered on the ones from the previous night until by Friday morning he was more depressed than he had been in a very, very long time.

 

He'd meant to get some writing done and then go and meet Cloud. Instead, he opened up his liquor cabinet and brought out a bottle of his favorite whiskey. He poured a little into a cup and took it to his desk, not giving a thought to the mocking morning sunlight. He reached over and closed the blinds before he leaned back in his chair and took a sip. All of the emotional remnants of his nightmares seemed to be piled onto his person, as if he were wearing every article of clothing he owned. He felt bulky and uncomfortable, and even after two shots of whiskey the thought of meeting Cloud filled him with such trepidation he couldn't even imagine it.

 

He opened up his laptop, intent on at least getting some work done. ' _ Maybe once I write something this will have passed and I can suck it up and go, _ ' he thought.

 

But the hours passed, the sun dragging itself across the sky, and Leon remained sitting in his chair, staring at the blinking cursor until the computer went to sleep and the screen turned black. He stared at his own reflection until he couldn't stand it anymore. Then he'd press a random key and the computer would come to life and it would all begin again.

 

At 6:58 Leon got up and went into the kitchen. He poured himself more whiskey, but instead of putting the bottle back, he brought it to his desk with him. By the time he sat back in his chair the clock read 7:01. He tossed back the entire glass and then refilled it. He locked his fingers in front of him and stretched them back, cracking his joints before he leaned forward and began to furiously type.

 

After awhile the desk began to rumble under the vibrate of his phone. Lifting it up to check the screen he saw Cloud's name in glowing white letters. He turned the phone so that the cover was facing the desk and resumed his typing. He wasn't sure what exactly he was writing, but he just needed to get something out. Even if it ended up being useless. Even if it was just to justify his cowardice.

* * *

**You have, three new voice messages. Playing new voice messages.**

**Message 1 received at 6:45 pm *beep*:**

_ Hey Leon! It's Cloud, I'm...a little early haha. I got out of work early and underestimated the time it takes to get here i guess. But don't think that means you have to rush! I'll see if I can get us a table… _

_ I'm...really looking forward to seeing you Leon. _

**End of New Voice message. To replay this message press 1, to delete this message press 2 now.**

 

**Message two, received at 7:15 pm *beep***

_ It's me again. Cloud that is, just in case. I guess you're running a little late? I hope everything is okay. I was just calling because It's a bit crowded here so I wanted to let you know that I'm sitting in a booth towards the very back of the restaurant, by the kitchen. So...yea, if you can't see me just head there…. _

_ See you soon hopefully _

**End of new voice message. To replay this message presss 1, to delete this message press 2 now.**

 

**Message Three, received at 8:30 pm *beep***

_ Leon? It's Cloud. Uhm...it's a little after 8 pm and you're still not here. Heh, I'm...a little worried honestly. I hope that you are okay…. _

_ uhm….I think I'll wait for a little bit longer…just in case. _

_ …. _

_ Did I do something wrong Leon? _

_ Uhm...anyway. Yea. Just...call me back. _

**End of new voice message. To replay this message press 1, to delete this message press 2 now.**

 

**You have no more voice messages. To listen to your old mess-**

  
  



	3. catch, not break

**three...  
** _ catch, not break _

 

_ Leon was completely alone.  _

_ All around him seemed to be nothing but limitless dry, cracked earth and a grey cloudless sky. Walking seemed incredibly easy, his steps light and boundless. He felt free. Free and incredibly lonely. _

_ "Hello?" He called out, his voice echoing back to him. He waited a moment but there was no response, " Anyone there?" _

_ But there was still no response. _

_ He began walking straight, seeing if maybe moving would bring him towards people. The scenery remained the same however, everything so identical that Leon began to wonder if he had even moved at all. _

_ After what felt like an eternity he stopped, turning around so he could take in all angles. The lack of change in perspective made him feel slightly dizzy and he closed his eyes and counted to ten. When he opened them he expected everything to be different, but not a single thing had changed. So Leon sat down on the ground and crossed his legs underneath him like a pretzel and he waited. _

_ xxx _

Leon didn't even bother opening last night’s file. Instead he just dragged the whole thing into the trash, exhaling loudly as he brought his forefinger and thumb to pinch the bridge of his nose. He caught his reflection in the window behind his desk and he glared at it.

"You are a class A asshole." He said aloud.

His hand moved to his phone and he picked it up by the corner as if it were dangerous. He tossed it, rotating so he always grabbed it at a different corner while he absently thought about calling Cloud to let him know that he was alright. ' _ Hey just called to let you know I'm not in a ditch or anything. I just stood you up _ .' He scoffed, ' _ Give me a break. _ '

Leon could feel a pounding building in his head. He dropped his phone unceremoniously onto the desk and leaned back in his chair, massaging his temples as he ran over what he should do in his head. ' _ This is why you don't get involved. _ ' he thought, unable to stop the frown from reaching his face.

He would do nothing and things would go back to how they were before. This was the inevitable result anyway, he would just skip all the complicated things in the middle.

Leon nodded, righting himself back in his chair. He would not see Cloud again. That was the smart thing, the right thing.

Even if it left him feeling emptier than he'd ever been before.

* * *

If he didn't leave his apartment, Leon was able to go about his routine as per usual, with a minimal amount of guilt. Guilt made him angry and anger made him lonely and loneliness made him even more angry and then nothing got done. So he stuck to his routine. He would wake at 8 am, clean his apartment, eat a simple breakfast and write until the sun went down. Then he would order food and perhaps write some more, or read something, or workout and then go to bed.

But the truth was, nothing he had tried to write in the last three days had turned out right. He couldn't get into anyones head, and half the time he couldn't even get started. He didn't want to write about Cloud anymore. He wanted to erase the blond's brief existence completely from his life. But what was left after that? His previous method of simply making things up seemed already beyond his ability. So, in actuality Leon spent a lot more time than he was comfortable with staring off into space, doing nothing.

' _ Could this even be called living? _ ' Leon thought, before catching himself. He'd made it a point in the last three days to not think about things like that. The one thing almost putting himself out there with Cloud taught him was that living itself was not very important to him right now. Surviving was.

_ xxx _

_ Leon's first relationship is as whirlwind a romance as a person of his personality can get. They meet in a frozen yogurt shop, although neither of them particularly likes frozen yogurt. _

_ \--------- _

_ He is his first everything. _

_ \--------- _

_ Alcohol always leaves him vulnerable, shows his wounds--makes him honest. _

_ They lie on the the too small dorm bed after a celebratory evening out, and his partner is threading fingers through his hair. _

_ "You can't leave," he says quietly into the crook of his neck. _

_ "I won't," the other responds, and he sounds sincere. _

_ xxx _

Leon awoke to the sound of his cell phone alarm blaring directly into his ear. He jumped back, disoriented as he blindly grabbed for the device to stop it. He'd fallen asleep at his desk last night and it had been extremely unforgiving on his back and neck. He attempted to crack both as he moved into the kitchen to make coffee.

He stifled a yawn as he reached the pantry, and registered in passing that he had to go into the office for a meeting at noon as he opened the door. The canister was alarmingly light and when Leon opened the lid to look inside he realized that he was completely out. He cursed loudly as he slammed the door closed, already feeling the caffeine withdrawal headache pulling at his temple.

From that moment on, nothing went right. The pipes in the building must have frozen because his water only came in at a light, freezing cold trickle and he managed to knock over a stack of papers he hadn't numbered yet onto the floor while vacuuming. This was the making of a bad day and he was very close to blowing off the meeting entirely and staying in bed for the remainder of it. But the fact that he didn't have a story for this week made it impossible for him to miss the meeting, and the pull of coffee was too strong.

So, albeit in a terrible mood, Leon pulled on his coat and scarf and left his apartment for the first time in what was now coming on four days. He locked the door behind him and began descending the stairs. It was freezing in the hallway and he said a small prayer that it wouldn’t be this cold outside. He was so wrapped up in his chattering teeth that it wasn't until he had already descended several steps of the final landing that he recognized the approaching figure.

At that exact moment Cloud was ascending the stairs, his head down as he flipped through his mail. The sound of Leon's boots on the steps above him caused the blond to look up. His cheeks and nose were red from the late autumn chill and there was a look of almost comical surprise in his large, impossibly blue eyes. The surprise flickered briefly into hurt and then glazed over into blankness.

Leon's scowl lifted and his own eyes widened at the sight of Cloud, emotions rushing him with enough momentum to carry him the rest of the way down the stairs and out the door. A piece of him, after seeing the hurt on the others face wanted to grab Cloud and explain everything, the other part wanted to simply look away. Look at the door, the ceiling, the stairs beneath his feet, anywhere but at Cloud's face.

A moment of icy silence passed between them before Cloud started walking again, 

"Guess you're not dead." he said as he shoved passed the brunet.

Leon opened his mouth to say something, anything, but Cloud stopped suddenly at the top of the stairs, turning violently towards Leon before he could put together a sentence.

"You know, I could have really liked you Leon. You make it difficult, but damn it, I would have tried  _ so _ hard." He said, one hand gripping the old bannister as if for support. "If you didn't like me, if you weren't interested in that, you could have just said so. Or you could have left things as they were. You didn't have to come looking for me and ask me out so you could...I don't even know what your plan was."

Leon felt as if Cloud had just punched him in the chest, "Cloud I -"

"Save it," Cloud said, turning around and clearing the rest of the way to his apartment, "Don't worry, I got your hint." he called over his shoulder.

Leon felt as if Cloud had just pushed him down the stairs. He half wished he had. He knew standing Cloud up was cruel when he did it but he just couldn't go. He couldn't get up and meet Cloud and do this all again.

' _ So why did you even ask him out in the first place? _ ' he asked himself as he descended the stairs and walked out into the cold afternoon.

He couldn't think of an answer to that. In a moment of weakness he had wanted to make Cloud his. Once he realized that that also meant he would be giving up himself as well he couldn't do it. He did not want to get involved.

_ 'I should be happy Cloud hates me,' _ he thought,  _ 'Makes things easier.' _

And yet the thought of the blond hating him made him hate himself more than anyone else could ever hope to.

* * *

 

By the time he'd reached the  _ She… _ headquarters he was sure he'd felt every emotion it was possible for a human being to feel. He walked through the office, mindlessly greeting the other staff before reaching the conference room. He was relieved to see that only Aerith was there. She was humming as she flipped through a magazine and tapped the side of the table with her pen. She looked up when he entered the room and one look at his face and the content look she was wearing disappeared.

"What happened Leon? What's wrong?" she asked, as she moved around the table so she was standing in front of him. She felt his head for a fever, "Are you sick?"

Leon shook his head, What was wrong? He didn't even know how to begin answering that.

"Leon, sit down," Aerith said, pulling out a chair for him, "I'm going to go get us some coffee, you think about what you want to say because something is clearly bothering you immensely and we are talking about it."

Leon didn't bother to remove his coat as he sat down, running through the events in his head. When did things become so complicated? he thought with a frown.

Aerith returned in moments with two steaming cups of coffee. She set one cup down in front of Leon as she sat beside him at the conference table, turning her chair so he had her undivided attention. Leon took the cup gratefully and downed an appreciative gulp.

Aerith quietly allowed him to savor the drink before tapping her manicured nails on the table, "So…" she prompted.

Leon ignored her for a moment more before setting the cup down and sighing deeply. He absently picked at the sleeve around the cup, working the words together in his head. "I...think I messed up."

Aerith smiled at him, setting her own cup on the table, "Elaborate."

Leon sighed, "I don't see the point of this,"

Aerith rolled her eyes, "Just try it. Sometimes just saying things out loud helps. In college, I had a professor who used to say 'I don't know what I think until I tell you'."

Leon gave Aerith a pointed look, which she matched with one of her own. "I told the girls to come in a half hour later. So you have thirty minutes to get that look off of your face before they pick up on it and trust me. They'll be worse than I am."

Leon sighed, "Fine. Fine okay. Just…" He wondered how he could do this without opening up too much to the determined woman across from him.

Aerith watched him with passive, receptive eyes and Leon looked away, focusing instead on the clouds in the sky beyond the window.

"So...I got a new neighbor who...was...intriguing to me from the moment I saw him. We ate together once which, might have been sort of a date but then I screwed it up."

"How did you screw it up?" she asked

"He asked me out...sort of...and I shut him down. But then I asked him out and I stood him up and now he hates me and thinks I'm an asshole."

"Why would you do that if you liked him?"

Leon shook his head, "Because I realized I don't like him."

Aerith gave him a pointed look.

Leon sighed, "Well. Not so much that I don't like him but that I don't want to be with him. I know that that wasn't the correct way to go about it but...it's done. I don't blame him for hating me. I guess...that was sort of the plan all along but I didn't think it would bother me this much."

Aerith made a thoughtful noise. "Ignoring the super asshole move you pulled, I'm a bit confused. How can you like someone and not want to be with them?"

"Simple." Leon snapped.

"Clearly not," Aerith countered, smiling as the brunet glared at her. "I think that the reason him being upset with you bothers you so much is because deep down you do want to try things out with him but you're holding yourself back. It's just dating Leon, it doesn't have to be so scary."

"It's bigger than that." Leon said scowling, "It's not about him at all."

Aerith pointed at him, "You're words, not mine." she said with a laugh, "I don't know what is holding you back, but something is. And it goes beyond your neighbor and beyond dating. It touches all your relationships. With your coworkers, and your friends."

She leaned back in her chair and fixed Leon with a leveled stare, You know we've been working together for going on three years now Leon and this is the first full conversation, not about work, that we've ever had? You come into the office once every two weeks and communicate entirely in emails. You purposefully hold everyone ten feet away and you're so good at it not even Yuffie has any idea of what goes on in that head of yours."

"Is it a crime to be a private person? To want to keep to myself?" Leon asked.

Aerith smiled sadly and shook her head. "Of course not. But, it's different than simply being introverted. Or it feels different. It feels like you're not even here. And not that you're daydreaming or something else but that there's this giant meticulous wall built around you at all times. But then you write. Romance of all things. Beautiful romance."

Leon opened his mouth to protest but Aerith put a hand up,

"I know, Lies and fiction. We've all heard the speech. But I think the only person you're lying to is yourself. And you used to be really good at it, but you can't anymore and that's what's eating you up inside."

Leon realized his mouth was still open and closed it. He didn't really have anything to say to that. She was wrong but-' _ Well. Is she really wrong? _ ' He thought to himself, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he thought about his life. "I know I keep people away, and it is on purpose. But that works for me. I'm happy this way."

Aerith rested her elbow on the table and cupped her chin in her hand, "Are you really though Leon?" and there was something so genuine and sincere in her voice that Leon did stop and think.

What did it even mean to be happy?

Everyone always pushed happiness on each other and sought it for themselves but what did it all mean in the end? Was there some scale to base it on? How did you know, really know if you were happy?

Leon guessed, if you had to ask that question, you probably knew the answer. He sighed for what felt like the thousandth time that hour.

"It's...not about being happy to me right now. It's about surviving."

Aerith looked genuinely shocked at that, "Surviving? Making friends, and falling in love, that's detrimental to survival?"

Leon shrugged. Saying it out loud did sound sort of ridiculous. He was supposed to be good with words but this feeling just couldn't be relayed. "It could be."

"How?"

Leon did not want to keep talking but Aerith was so sincere, had such genuine concern for him that he felt like he owed it to her to continue. And a part of him wanted to explain. Wanted to work it out into words so it would make sense, so he could feel justified and get on with his life.

"People are the least reliable things in existence. They leave, always, sooner or later and they die easy and they change their minds yet we constantly put faith into them. We give each other all this power, too much power and we treat it like it doesn't mean anything. And then when things fall apart we've already given away a piece of ourselves and now it's gone or it's different and it doesn't fit anymore. You're a fraction of the person you were before and you don't have anything to show for it."

Aerith didn't say anything, simply watched Leon patiently as he visibly struggled to put his thoughts together.

"But...you don't learn,"

Leon thought of his mother waiting for his father to come back, of her blinding faith in him.

"You keep making the same mistakes over and over again, giving away the best pieces of yourself to people who treat them like trash."

He thought of how it killed her.

"You keep giving away pieces of yourself,"

He thought of his sister at the orphanage promising forevers and then leaving. He thought of all his friends one by one going through the front gate and never coming back.

"You know that it's stupid, you can predict how it ends. But you do it anyway, you can't help it."

He thought of the feeling of building something you thought was precious and having it taken away. He thought of failed relationships and broken friendships and things that just faded into nothing.

"And then one day, you have nothing left. You're not there anymore."

Leon looked up into Aerith's sad, alarmed eyes and he realized that his own were growing wet with unshed tears. He quickly blinked them away, a look of determination unraveling across his features instead, "That's idiotic. I want no part in it."

They sat in silence for a moment, Aerith looked as if she wanted to cry as well. "I...can understand that line of thinking," she said softly, "But you're wrong."

Leon blinked at her.

"Life and interacting with people is not just giving away pieces of yourself until you disappear. You give and you take as much as you give and the pieces that you take become a part of you and that's how you grow. That's what living is. No one is meant to stay exactly how they were. That's being stagnant. That's being dead." Aerith eyes were boring into his own desperately. "You have the power to choose who you give what pieces to and it's up to you to chose the people who are going to give back as much as they take. Sometimes we make mistakes and we get hurt but even if things go badly it's never a waste."

Aerith smiled at him, grabbing his hands, "It's fine to be selective with who you let in, but if you shut out the whole world you shut yourself in as well. And it may be fine now, but eventually you're going to need a friend and there's a very good chance that if you don't fix things now that it'll be too late."

Leon shook his head, "I don't know how."

"You follow your heart...or maybe it's your guts. You just allow the feeling and if you mess up then you mess up. Life is a work in progress after all. You don't only exchange pieces with lovers. You can share with friends too."

Leon looked as if he wanted to say something so Aerith stopped talking and just looked at him. When he didn't she squeezed his hands and smiled deliberately at him, "We can start with me, and even Yuffie and Kairi if you want. If you give me a little piece of you I promise I'll match it. And if you ever mess up, I'll try and replace what was taken so you never disappear."

Leon almost smiled at that, it reminded him of another conversation he had what felt like a hundred years ago, "Like a social guinea pig," he said quietly.

"Hm?" Aerith asked.

Leon shook his head and squeezed her hands back, "Thank you Aerith. I promise I'll consider it."

Aerith smiled and pulled her hands out of his grasp. "That's all I can ask." She got up and walked over to her original seat, shuffling some papers out onto the desk, "You can come in now girls, I know you're out there."

Leon shook his head, there really wasn't much he could do but laugh.

* * *

 

Aerith sent him home with the orders to think about what they'd talked about and figure out something to write. This issue his story would be replaced with a guest fiction piece which would give him two more weeks to come up with something. He had never been more grateful for his boss then he was right in that moment, but as he walked back home in the early twilight he realized the twisting feeling was still in his stomach. Everything had become so complicated and Leon wanted to just go to bed and sleep until it passed.  _ When are things ever that easy _ he thought as opened the gate leading to his apartment buildings stoop.

He paused to grab his mail, which despite being four days worth was a pathetically slim pile. He walked up the stairs two at a time, suddenly wanting nothing more than to be out of the cold and into his warm apartment, flipping through the envelopes as he walked. Bill, Bill, solicitation, Bill, solicitation,  _ Laguna Loire _ .

Leon stopped dead in his tracks as he read the familiar name of his father. He inhaled sharply before continuing the short walk into his apartment. Once inside he tossed all of the mail with the exception of the letter from his father onto the counter. He grabbed it between both hands, ready to tear it into two but stopped. He pulled it away from him, reading the name and address once more as if he was trying to make sure that it was indeed a letter from his father.

He sighed, slapping the letter into his palm as he paced his living room. Perhaps reading the letter for once, hearing what his father had to say, would give some perspective to what had torn his family apart and set him on the path it did? Maybe it would help him understand himself?

Leon shook his head as he walked back and forth across the carpet, How could anything he possibly have to say now help anything at all? But he couldn't deny that his curiosity was reawakened. After a few more moments of pacing Leon came to the decision that he would deal with it tomorrow. He lay it on top of his closed laptop and went to take a shower, resolving to just eat dinner and go to bed.

But lying in bed that night Leon could not get to sleep. Eventually he gave up even attempting to shut his eyes and instead glared at his ceiling in the dark. Every time his mind drifted close to sleep his thoughts jumped back to his meeting with Cloud on the stairs. The blonds winter flushed face and the look of hurt behind his eyes.

_ "You know, I could have really liked you Leon. You make it difficult but damn it I would have tried so hard." _

Leon groaned and turned over so that he was on his stomach with his face buried directly into his pillow.

_ 'I wish I never looked out the window that morning.' _ He thought, shocking himself. Part of him was horrified by the thought. Just the knowledge that someone like Cloud was out there, someone who could make enrapture him so deeply it would draw him out of his self imposed social exile was enough, made the confusion worth it. But the other part of him was too confused, too frustrated to think of anything but his own warped perspective. He had been so sure of himself, so comfortable. Now, he didn't even know why he did the things he did.

_ Why did I ask him out? _ he thought, rolling over onto his back again in the dark. He could just make out the shadowy outlines of his sparsely decorated apartment, the moonlight shining through the curtain-less window like a searchlight.

He sighed and closed his eyes, ' _ Because I wanted to know him _ .' Leon brought his thumb and forefinger to pinch at the bridge of his nose. He had guarded himself so well, made the conscious effort to not get involved and yet he himself had chosen to throw all of that away. When he didn't think about it, he wanted to know everything about Cloud and he wanted to tell Cloud about himself too. He wanted to tell Cloud that even though he really didn't know him that well he could feel some sort of pull. He knew he could really, honestly fall for him. He knew he would give him everything and that scared Leon more than living out a life alone and isolated ever could. ' _ But would that change anything? _ ' Leon thought, ' _ It's already too late. _ '

 

_ xxx _

_ "I won't be going anymore Leon. Not without you." and he smiled so sincerely Leon believed him. _

_ And then eight months later, twisting the hem of his white shirt in his hand, _

_ "It's just...I want a family Leon. A normal one, you know?" _

_ Leon did not know. _

_ That was the last time Leon was surprised. _

_ xxx _

 

When Leon opened his eyes, he had one brief moment of blissful nothingness before his brain caught up to his body. Laying in his bed, staring at the ceiling in a room now filled with light, the events of the day before came back to him in humiliating waves. Cloud hated him, but he deserved that, and he had talked way too much to Aerith. But it had helped, a little.

Leon sat up, hissing as his feet touched the freezing cold floor of his apartment. Winter was fast approaching and it was going to be a cold one. Once his feet were as used to the cold as they were going to get he stood up and headed to his bathroom to wash up. With his toothbrush still in his mouth he left the bathroom, and went to the living room, booting up his computer before returning into his room to put on a sweater. It was on his way back to the bathroom that the envelope on his counter caught his eye. He stopped, reading the sprawling script again as if to be sure.

_ Laguna Loire. _

He frowned, turning to head back into the bathroom.

When he finished his morning routine he returned to the counter and picked the letter up delicately, as if it were a bomb or a wild animal. He sat at his desk and held it out in front of him. How many of these letters had his father written him? How many had gone unread, ripped up into tiny pieces and swept into the trash? Leon held the letter up to the light the paper was so thick he was unable to make out any of the inside contents. He was tempted to just rip this one up as well, but there was a part of him that was curious again, after all these years, what the man could have to say to him. Perhaps it was the same part of him that wanted to ask Cloud out, that took Aerith's advice to heart. The part of him that churned out story after story because of a few glimpses of eyes, blue like the definition of the word, and now wouldn't churn out anything.

He could rip the letter up without reading it and continue his life as he'd been living it, solitary and safe. Or, he could open the letter, and read what his father had to say. He could, without bias or judgment, hear the excuses or rationale and change everything. What was done, would still be done. Reading the letter would not undo the past, which is why he had never bothered reading it before, but perhaps understanding why things evolved the way they did would help him come to terms with them. Something he clearly desperately needed.

And just like that, Leon got an idea.

Leon used his cell phone so sparingly that it took him about three minutes longer than it should have to find his address book. Once he did however, he called Aerith, anxious to run his idea for his next piece by her.

He could practically hear the smile in her voice as she said, "I think that is a fantastic idea Leon,"

So, with the approval of his boss, Leon started to write. For the first time in a week Leon couldn't help but write, and for the first time since he could remember Leon wrote honestly.

 

_ xxx _

_ "Your father is a kind, and brave man. He fought very hard in The Great War so that we could be safe." _

_ "But where is he now?" _

_ "He's off making sure that we stay safe." _

_ "Well why can't he do that from home?" _

_ "...I don't know." _

_ xxx _

 

Leon pulled another sweater over his head, cursing his landlord for not raising the heat. The feeling of the cold reached so deep he practically felt it in his bones. It made him think of that one day, weeks ago, standing in Cloud's apartment. Nostalgia drew his eyes back towards the window that started it all, and to his surprise, when he looked down onto the sidewalk he locked eyes with Cloud.

The blond was standing before the gate, looking up with something Leon would classify, if he was an optimist, as longing.

Cloud looked as surprised as he did to lock eyes with the brunet and he looked away, continuing towards the gate.

Leon wondered what the blond saw when he looked at him.

Before heading up the stairs of the stoop and out of sight Cloud looked up again, his face slightly reddened with something perhaps just a bit more than cold.

Maybe it wasn't too late.

* * *

 

**_This will be my last love story._ **

**_My mother was beautiful, strong willed, and self-sufficient._ ** **_My father was a bumbling idiot whose only worthwhile venture was to wash up on the shores of Winhill after nearly getting himself killed._ ** **_My mother nursed him back to health, and, I'm sure you can assume, they fell in love. When the war spread and reached closer to home my father returned to the army to help manage the conflict._ **

**_This is all very romantic. But you see, the thing about romance is, at least in the way I've always presented it to you, that it is a piece of a bigger picture...the road to the ultimate happily ever after._ **

**_It's fiction. Romance can not exist in real life because things are never that contained._ **

**_If I was writing the story of my parents meeting, I would end it with my father going off to war. The last scene would be of my my mother standing at the edge of some cliff watching his airship fade into the distance, one hand on her still flat but presumably pregnant stomach with hopeful thoughts in both of their hearts. You as a reader would have faith that things will end well for both of them. There would be enough left to the imagination to keep you thinking, but the happily ever after would hang in the air for them regardless._ **

**_In real life, this is not what happened._ **

* * *

 

Half of Leon hoped that the ringing would go on forever, the other half was impatient for it to stop.

"Hi, this is Laguna."

When the line finally connected Leon almost hung up. More than hung up; He had to fight the urge to throw the phone out his window. He cleared his throat instead, "It's me. It's Leon...uhm...Squall."

There was the sound of something dropping, a chair scraping against the floor. Leon could almost picture the other mans shocked face.

"Squall?" the voice over the phone, alarmingly similar to his own, managed to choke out, "Is it really you."

Leon thought that was a stupid question, and so he didn't answer it.

This didn't seem to matter to the voice on the other end, which continued,

"I...I've been writing you. For years I've been writing you, I assumed you didn't get them or didn't want them but I couldn't stop. I guess you finally read one?"

"I didn't," Leon said quietly. He suddenly felt like he was four years old again, sitting on the window sill asking his mother impossible questions. "I just skimmed it to get your phone number."

"Oh," Laguna said.

There was a few moments of crackled silence before Leon sighed heavily, "I just...have some questions. Can you talk?"

"If I have answers, they're yours." Laguna responded without hesitation.

Leon nodded, more to encourage himself than anything else. "Why did you go?" he asked finally.

* * *

 

**_When my father left my mother was pregnant with me. He never came back. She died waiting, and now she's a Winhill ghost story. Having someone whom I loved and relied on taken away suddenly was disorienting, especially to a five year old who could only barely understand._ **

**_That was the first time my heart broke._ **

**_My sister and I were sent to an orphanage where I spent my formative years not realizing why all my friends who went through the front gate never came back. I loved my sister more than anything else in the entire world, and we promised that we would always be together. But one day, she went through the front gate too and I was alone._ **

**_This was the second time._ **

* * *

"I had to," Laguna responded.

"Bullshit!" Leon snapped.

"It isn't." Laguna said, "I was a soldier. The conflict was getting bad. They needed help. We all had to leave."

"Why didn't you come back?" Leon asked, surprising himself with how vulnerable he sounded.

Laguna sighed, "After the war, everything was mess. Whole cities were destroyed. There were more refugees than supplies. More refugees than relief. I stayed behind to help rebuild."

"You abandoned us." Leon said matter of factly, "You left us alone to play hero."

Laguna didn't respond to that. They stayed in silence so long Leon thought he had hung up.

* * *

 

**_I was eight years old and the first lesson that I learned about life was that the only thing you can count on when it came to people was that one day they would leave._ ** **_As I grew older, this stance expanded._ **

**_People are not nice._ **

**_People are liars._ **

**_People are selfish,_ ** **_willfully ignorant,_ ** **_exhausting._ **

**_People are nothing but trouble._ **

**_People are not worth it._ **

**_Everyone repeatedly proved me right until eventually I picked up the pieces and, without even dusting them off, I locked them away._ **

**_I looked at the people around me, clinging desperately to each other only to end up miserable and alone, with pity and contempt._ ** **_The people who read these stories for entertainment, or comfort, or hope were all idiots, less enlightened than me. I thought it was better to be alone than to allow yourself to get close to someone and feel the pain of them leaving._ ** **_That was the true key to living without pain._ **

* * *

 

"I'm sorry," was all he said, finally, "I can't justify the pain that I must have caused. But I swear, none of it was intentional. I didn't know that your mother was pregnant when I left, and I didn't know that she had you. If I did, I would have come back as soon as possible and I know that you probably can't believe that but it really is the truth."

Leon couldn't bring himself to respond.

"By the time I came back, she was already dead and you and your sister were gone. I searched everywhere for you guys, I really did but nothing came of it. I never stopped looking and it wasn't until recently that your sister found me actually. We've been looking for you...but you changed your name."

"Ellone is with you?" Leon asked.

"Not at the moment," Laguna responded, "But we see each other from time to time. She has a family over on Destiny Islands so she can't scour the globe looking for you like she used to, but trust me. She's never stopped searching."

"That's bull shit. I'm not hiding. I'm not hard to find. I don't go anywhere. I don't do anything but wait." Leon said, and the honesty of that statement shocked him.

There was a moment of silence as Laguna carefully chose his words, "You changed your name. You won't return any of my letters and your phone number is unlisted."

Leon frowned, feeling as if he had been looking through a telescope and it was suddenly pulled away.

Had he been hiding all this time? Was he subconsciously pulling away from everything that associated him with his past?

* * *

 

**_But the truth is, I was wrong. I tricked myself into thinking that life was just about surviving, about getting from one day to the next no matter what. Each day exactly like the one before it...I thought that was success._ ** **_It wasn't until I first saw you that that changed._ **

**_The morning you moved in I looked out of my window with interest for the outside world for the first time in a week. We locked eyes and I felt something stirring in me, something I hadn't felt in a very, very long time. At first I wasn't sure what it was, but now I know it was my heart, unlocking._ **

**_The more we interacted, the more sure I became that you definitely would, if I let you, be the one to ruin everything...o_ ** **_r maybe save everything._ **

**_Change everything._ **

**_What's the difference really, when it comes to these things?_ **

**_But I was scared. I was so used to living a certain way that I ignored my own heart in an effort to protect my life of indifference and routine._ ** **_In doing that I hurt you, and_ ** **_I am so very, very sorry._ **

**_You said that you really could have liked me if I let you...that you really would have tried._ ** **_The problem was, I knew that, and it terrified me._ **

**_I thought that dealing with other people was giving away pieces of yourself until you disappeared._ **

* * *

 

"I'm sorry," Laguna said quietly, again.

Leon ran a hand through his hair. How much pain had he caused himself by both consuming himself with his past and running from it? He felt silly. He felt like a kid, still after all this time.

"It's…" he trailed off. What was it? It wasn't  _ okay _ . It wouldn't be for a long, long time but for the first time in his entire life the thought that it might be, someday didn't seem so farfetched. "It's the past." he said finally, "You can't change it."

"No," Laguna said softly, and Leon could almost hear the smile in his voice, "But you can change the future."

"Maybe," Leon said.

"I'm...really glad you called me Leon," Laguna said after a moment of silence.

"Me too," Leon said, and he wasn't lying.

* * *

 

**_But that's wrong, isn't it?_ ** **_This is something that all of you already know._ **

**_Sitting here, writing these stories I thought I was so much smarter than all of you. But that's wrong too._ **

_ **All of you who read these stories, who believe in love, and romance, and trying, despite all odds, to find that one special person for you are all so incredibly brave. You are all so incredibly brave, and smart, and resilient, and I couldn't be that way.** _

**_But now, I think I want to try. I don't know what is going to come of this. I'm probably going to suffer a lot. I'm probably going to cause a lot of suffering too. Maybe it's already too late._ **

**_But if it isn't. If you're reading this._ **

**_Forgive me. Please._ **

_ **I'm not afraid anymore, and I think I could really like you too. More than I've ever liked anyone, more than anyone's ever liked anyone before. If you could find it in your heart to give me that chance, I promise I'll spend as long as you let me trying to make it up to you.** _

* * *

 

When Leon finished reading his piece for what felt like the five hundredth time he hovered over the send button for a very, very long time. It was the most honest thing he had ever written and he was going to publish it for the world to see? To judge? Did he really want to do that?

Leon thought of Cloud sitting across from him. He thought of him standing in his living room. He thought of him leaning against the doorway. He thought of him carrying too many bags up the stairs stubbornly. He thought of him hurt and honest about it.

He thought of looking out his windows and seeing eyes, blue like the definition of the word.

He hit send.

* * *

 

**_But even if he isn't reading this. Even if it's just all of you who are always reading, so faithfully and so bravely, I owe you all an apology too._ **

**_All this time I thought I was a liar. I was a liar and you were all just too desperate to realize the truth. But the only one being lied to, the only desperate one, was me. Forgive me._ **

**_You all deserve the stories you have read in these pages, except more. You deserve them to go on, and on, and on._ **

**_You deserve love, and happiness, and most of all the truth._ **

* * *

 

The first snow fell on a Thursday. It piled up and up and the snow plows came and cleared the streets, pushing it up onto the sidewalk making it almost impossible to walk.

It had been three days since the issue with his final story had hit the newsstands and he hadn't heard a single thing from anyone except for Aerith congratulating him and Yuffie threatening his life if he didn't show up to happy hour later that week.

Life continued on as it always had, without change. But there was something different that Leon couldn't deny. He felt lighter. He felt real.

When he turned the corner onto his block he was thinking about his most recent conversation with his father. It was one of the many they'd been having recently. He thought of how that made him feel good. He thought of booking a flight to Destiny Islands for the holidays. He thought of what exactly he was going to write now. He thought of what he was going to have for dinner.

Then, right when he went to grab the door to the building it opened.

He found himself face to face with Cloud and his mind emptied completely.

Cloud blinked and Leon stepped back and they stayed for a moment, staring at each other in the cold.

Leon wondered if Tifa still read  _ She… _ and if she maybe read his story and showed it to Cloud and what he didn't know was that it was written all over his face. When Cloud looked in his blue gray eyes he saw earnestness, and sincerity. Sorrow and regret and hope.

Leon looked at Cloud and was vaguely confused to see understanding.

Leon thought about apologizing, for almost bumping into him and everything else too, but before he could open his mouth, Cloud smiled at him.

"Long time no see,"

* * *

 

**_So this is what is going to happen._ **

**_I won't be writing this section anymore because I don't know what I'm talking about._ **

**_I'm done pretending, I want to find the real thing._ **

**_I've never really believed in happily ever afters..._ **

**_but here's hoping._ **

* * *

 

**_fin._ **

 

**Author's Note:**

> I've recently made the jump from FF.net and am migrating all of my acceptable stories here (edited and improved hopefully). So if this seems familiar (doubtful bc I think about 6 people read it) that's why :)


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